The Not So Triumphant Return of Queenie
by midnightluck
Summary: Prequel to Meeting Queenie; Or, In which Dick manipulates and trolls, Roy is going to kill Dick, really he is, Wally is important  though he doesn't show up , and Bruce has, like, one line.


__All recognizable characters belong to their respective owners (Cartoon Network).__

__Please be warned: references to boys kissing, and to sex and prostitution, and also many bad words. Read at your own discretion.__

__Kind-of prequel to __Meeting Queenie.__  
><em>_

* * *

><p>"You know it's Bruce's birthday ball tonight, right?" Richard asked, sitting crosslegged on the bed.<p>

Roy sat next to him. "Yeah, I know. I hate big parties, too."

There was a moment of silence, and then Dick asked, "So?"

"So what?"

"So you gonna be my date, or what?"

"What," Roy snapped back. "Definitely what. I'm not a girl, you know."

"Trust me, I noticed," Dick said, sliding his eyes over his friend in a way that made Roy feel slimy and dirty. "But that doesn't mean you can't pretend, right?"

"I'm _so_ not crossdressing for you. Ever."

"Oh, come on, it's not like you haven't done it before." Dick said, leaning over to poke Roy's arm.

Roy twitched. "That was for Justice. This is for your sick sense of humor. There's a difference."

Dick flopped backwards onto his giant bed. "Wally's been my date before," he said contemplatively. "Maybe I should call him."

Dick knew full well that Wally was recovering from that last mission, and wasn't even allowed out of bed. Roy knew Dick knew this. Roy knew it was an empty threat, but, dammit.

"You are not calling Wally. You are not to even go near Wally for the next three days and you know it."

"That wasn't an 'I'll do it'."

"Because I won't."

Dick sat back up. "Okay. I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you don't help me out here, I'll tell Mr. Queen who that lovely girl on your arm at the gala was. You know, the one he wanted you to date?"

Roy flushed. "He wouldn't believe it was you."

Dick fluttered his eyelashes and adopted a voice that wasn't his. "Mr. Queen, was it? So nice to see you again~"

Roy groaned, grabbing a pillow to hit Dick with. "That's really disturbing, you know."

Dick tugged the pillow away and sparkled at him. "Is that a yes?"

Roy sighed. Dick could outstubborn a cat. But then, something occurred to him. "I haven't anything to wear."

And he immediately regretted it, because Dick's smile was huge and bright. "I can fix that. Come on, I think some of Bruce's old dresses would fit you perfectly!"

* * *

><p>Roy scowled, tugging at his hemline. "This does <em>not<em> fit at all!"

"It's supposed to be that short. Stand up straight, Queenie. And smile."

Roy was flabbergasted enough that Dick was able to tow him into the room. Training took over, and he smiled. Then, he leaned over to whisper in Dick's ear. "That is _not_ my name. Call me that and die."

Dick laughed his charm-your-panties-off public laugh, and Roy smiled as though something important ached ferociously. "Hey, Bruce," Dick greeted. "You remember Queenie, right?"

And, holy shit, but this was not part of the plan. Bruce gave him a critical once over, and said, "But of course I do! Pleasure to see you again, dear, and looking fabulous. That dress is quite stunning." He leaned in on the pretext of kissing the air beside Roy's cheek, but said instead, "Next time, go a shade lighter on the eyeshadow." And then he was gone.

"Oh my god," Roy said. "Oh my god, Batman just complimented my dress."

Dick hissed at him. "A little louder, please? I don't think enough people heard you give away his identity."

Roy was suddenly thankful he was wearing flats, because if he were in heels, he might have tripped. Dick already had enough blackmail material on him; he didn't think he could handle jokes about swooning. "Oh my god," he repeated, just to have something to say while his brain rebooted.

"Smile!" Dick hissed at him, and grabbed him arm. Roy took a step back on instinct, which landed him on the dance floor.

Oh, look, a whole new problem to worry about. But Dick knew the situation far too well, and slid his hands into position.

"I can't dance!" Roy hissed at him through the painted-on smile.

"I've seen you dance."

"I can't dance the _girl's part_!"

It didn't seem to matter to Dick. He was leading them around the circle, and out towards the edges. Roy did his best not to stumble and to keep his head up. Smile, he reminded himself.

And then they were off the floor and back into the safety of the crowd. "I am never doing this again!" Roy said conversationally, letting Dick hold his hand.

"'Course you are," Dick answered absently, scanning the crowd. "I was thinking, Wally's birthday is coming up. We should pick him up at school, take him out on the town."

It was a good plan, actually. It sounded nice and logical, but it had come from Robin's twisty brain in relation to a threat of repeated crossdressing. "But what does that have to do with this?" Roy asked, waving a hand at his body to indicate _pretending to be a girl_.

Dick started towards the drink table, towing Roy along. "Because what better present could we give Wally than to let him spend the day with two hot chicks? It'll give his friends something to talk about, and, hell, it may even get him a girlfriend."

Roy considered this. "Wally does need all the help he can get. Has he even kissed a girl yet?"

Dick ignored the question, scooping up two flutes of champagne. "So you spend the night tonight, and tomorrow, we'll go shopping."

He choked on his champagne. "Shopping?" he sputtered, drawing odd looks from the people nearby.

"Yes," Dick said, dragging Roy along to the wall. "Chastity and Queenie will go out shopping, because heaven knows you need your own heels. And a new dress or two, I think. And we definitely have to get you a makeup kit. What self-respecting superhero doesn't have his own makeup kit?"

"Do you even hear yourself?" Roy wanted to know.

Dick shot him a smile, and said, "'Course I do, I'm the only intelligent conversation I can find around here. Now smile, dear; you're not allowed to kill your escort."

"I hate you so much," Roy said, but he smiled.

"Now, now, flattery will get you everywhere," Dick smiled back, twice as bright and half as fake. He leaned in, letting people assume what they would.

Roy leaned in too, and widened his smile. "I _will_ murder you in your sleep. Just so you know."

"You and what army?"

"I don't need an army to take you down."

Dick snickered. "It's so hard to take your death threats seriously when you're in a dress, you know." He pushed off from the wall. "Unfortunately, duty calls. Gotta go play host. Don't kill too many people, hmm? I'm running out of room to hide the bodies."

Roy stared after him in shock. Dick couldn't possibly be leaving him alone in the middle of a crowd. Not after showing such a marked interest in him. Roy glanced around; the wolves were already prowling.

"That young Mr. Grayson is quite the catch," an older gentleman said, turning to bring the lady on his arm with him. "I don't believe we've met...?"

Roy remembered just in time to pitch his voice high, but not too high. "Queenie," he smiled, mentally tallying ways to kill boy wonders. "Queenie...Harper."

"Miss Harper," the man smiled in greeting, and proceeded to introduce both himself and his wife. Roy vengefully forgot their names.

"I know our young Grayson has a bit of a reputation with the ladies," the man continued. "But you seem like such a nice young woman."

"I hate him desperately," Roy informed the man. "I'm going to strangle him in his sleep."

The gentleman blinked, obviously not quite sure what to do with that. His wife, however, laughed. "Young love," she twittered. "So adorable."

And the man seemed to catch on, smiling and booming laughter all around them. Roy decided that the couple were clearly delusional.

He wouldn't put it past Robin to have slipped something into the champagne.

The lady patted his cheek. "Don't worry, love. I'm sure he'll come around."

"What?" Roy asked, completely lost.

"You're obviously head over heels for him," she said, leaning in like it was a secret instead of an utter lie. "Young men can be such idiots about these things. Give it time, dear. It'll work out, you'll see."

"If you'll excuse me," Roy said, remembering to curtsy instead of bow. "I have a date to murder."

"Of course," the man said expansively.

"Go get him!" the woman cheered as he swept off.

Honestly, was everyone at this party insane?

He managed to catch up to Dick near the door. "That is _it_," he hissed, slipping his arm through the boy's and heading for the exit. "I am leaving right this moment and there is not a thing you can do or say to stop me."

Dick matched him step for step. "I'm honestly surprised you lasted as long as you did," he laughed.

Roy kept guiding them until they were out the door and heading back upstairs.

"Never again," he said, kicking off the shoes. "Never ever ever again. Ever," he enunciated, just in case Dick hadn't caught it the first few times.

"Sure," Dick agreed. "Here, let me help you with the chestpiece."

Roy scowled, twisting and turning and utterly unable to reach the dress's zipper. "I hate you so much," he reminded the other boy.

"Uh-huh," Dick said, unzipping the dress and unhooking the bra strap for him.

"Smother you in your sleep. Poison your food. Strangle you with your stockings. Stab you with your heels." There was a click noise, and Roy turned around, dress half undone and hair in complete disarray. "What was that?" he asked.

"What was what?" Dick asked, subtly making sure that the small digital camera was secure in his back pocket.

"That click. Did you just...?"

Dick raised an eyebrow, and snapped open his other cufflink. "That?" he asked pointedly.

Roy gave him a suspicious look, but went back to listing off possible deaths. "...Tell Wally you dissed the Flash. Cut your bat-rope-thing. Hide your utility belt."

"If you like," Dick said, mild as milk, sliding the memory card into his phone.

"Not ever again."

Dick entered Wally's number and hit _send._ "Not until we got shopping tomorrow, anyways."

"Like hell am I going anywhere with you!"

* * *

><p>The next day:<p>

"The red heels or the black ones?"

"Carve out your heart with a spoon."

"You're right. We'll take them both."


End file.
